[ trying ]

Right.

I know I am supposed to apologize about my last ambiguous posting. At least I feel as though I should apologize.

I am trying so hard to claw my way out of all the gloom and doom. I am neither happy nor unhappy, I just feel like I am. I think if I were to go back and read through the archives I might find that I feel this way each year, come November.

This time around it just feels a little harder to shake off.

I am trying.

weight of sadness

There are many days which I know are dark and grey before I even peek out the window. Our house will be gloomy and quiet and solemn and even pulling up the shades doesn't help at all. Many times, this darkness gets caught in my heart and I feel a suffocating weight of sadness which is hard to shake.

[ winner ! ]

Miss Jessica Rogers with her delightful poop scraping comment.

I enjoyed each and every comment that was left for the give away. If I had my way you would all get quilts !

Join me in wishing Jessica congrats !

[ drawing ]

Quilt Giveaway - 2009 edition

********COMMENTS ARE CLOSED**********

Give-away has ended. The winner will be announced later this afternoon. !!!!!

Finally !

This "surprise" has been in the works for a few weeks now, and I have been really excited and trying really hard not to spill the secret too soon.

Now that we are all moved into our new home, I figured what better time for my first ever quilt giveaway.

Up for grabs is this really wonky, really pink, really fun block quilt. Each block is unique in the fact that it's off kilter, and completely different from any other block. Go ahead, look ! No two block are the same. Different can be good.

The quilting was done by super talented Lisa Stallings, of Lisa's Creative Quilting Studio here in Felton, Delaware. The top was made entirely from fabric scraps of different projects.

The back was made from a fabulous Ralph Lauren flat sheet. Quality thread count right there folks !

The finished size of the quilt is 54 inches by 67 inches . All the materials are 100% cotton, and the batting is warm and natural, the best of the best.

You like it ? Here are your chances to WIN IT !

Yes, I yelled. I am excited !

In fact, I am even more excited, because I am offering THREE separate ways to win the quilt.

You ready ?

First off, you can enter on my Facebook* page by leaving your comment in the comment section of the quilt giveway note.

Second, you can leave a comment on my family blog,Blogged by M in the comment section of the quilt give away post.

Thirdly, you can leave a comment on my sewing blog Oh' Brother !, in the comment section of the quilt give away post.

You can enter ONCE on each of the THREE separate web pages, however, each of your comments (entries) must be different. Again with the whole different thing.

I like individuality.

Each comment must be something wonky, weird, or just plain different, that either happened to you, something about you, or something you once did. Each of the three entries (if you so choose to enter three times) must be different.

Clear as mud ?

Make sure you leave your name, or a means to identify you. No anonymous entries.

'Fess up to your weirdness.

The contest will run for one week only. Sunday October 25th 2009 to Sunday November 1st 2009.

I will announce the winner on Monday, November 2nd (also happends to be my 10 year anniversary). The winner will be picked by a random drawing, not by how wild and crazy your entries were (although the wild and crazier the better, I love a good laugh.)

I will not respond to any questions in the comments section of the blog or of this note, if you need a question answered feel free to message me through Facebook, or my personal e-mail.

The giveaway is open to anyone, male, female, young and old.

On your mark, get set, GO !

* Although Facebook is listed as a means of entering the quilt giveaway I will NOT accept friend requests from people that I do NOT know, just based on gaining an additional entry. Sorry. I like weird, but not THAT weird.

[ us ]

Three days. THREE DAYS ! Three days until we have the keys in hand and open the door to our new future.

That was corny huh ? The whole "open the door" thing.

The house is complete. Passed inspection with flying colors. Final walk-thru is tomorrow and we close on Thursday. Big move is Friday. Passing out with exhaustion and giddiness is Saturday.

I am not feeling terribly stressed. Can I tell you that the only thing that has me slightly nervous is how easy the whole process was. Really. Is that normal ? I was expecting all this white knuckle, pulling out my hair, not sleeping at night stuff.

We found a house we loved. We scored a great rate. No problems with paperwork, or financing, or inspections, or anything else.

Surely this is not the norm ?

Surely I did not just jinx myself by pointing out how easy the whole process has been.

Forget I said anything.

I am excited to make this empty house our home. Fill it with sounds, life, memories. Fill it with us.

[ before : after ]

This is before school.

His crazy legs on, his backpack on and his persistent little voice asking me: "boys ?"

This is after school.

Utterly exhausted after two and a half hours. Needs to unwind with binky and blankie and some shut-eye. Just like his mom, minus the binky of course.

[ three tickets ]

Helllllllloooooooo Monday !

Look who took advantage of a bad situation and got to attend his first Dave Matthews Band concert. He has been asking to go for a few years now, and Ryan and I had decided that 10 years old was the magic number.

That gave me a few years to figure out to to explain the less than fabulous things that go on during a concert. The wacky weed. The boozed out freaks. The people that fall off risers and lay in a heap on the concrete only to get back up five minutes later to repeat the entire process.

That's one of my favorite things of going to a concert, but how to explain it to my kid ?

At 8 years and 8 months old he held his first concert ticket. He walked through his first parking lot of tailgaters. He saw his first crowd of fellow fans. He saw the stage, and he felt the crazed energy and most important of all he saw Dave Matthews and the band.

He LOVED it. Ryan said his eyes never left the stage the entire time, despite some sketchy going-on's in close proximity.

Ahem.

He was slightly disappointed that one of his favorite songs was not played, and that they were too late to buy a poster ( I am working on that....) He enjoyed it so much he fell asleep in the car on the way home.

Looks like we will be buying three tickets next time.

[ holy fish paste ! ]

Did I mention that we bought a house ?

DID I MENTION THAT WE BOUGHT A HOUSE ?

I had to yell the second time, cause I am excited like that.

We bought a house. A real house. A house that is permanent.

Hold up. I need to look the word permanent up in the dictionary. Pretty sure that word does not exist in our vocabulary. Wait ! There it is, and I can even spell it !

A house ! A home ! A place where we can settle and stay. We can stay and dare I say it, make roots ? Holy fish paste I am excited !

We close in a little over 30 days and I have a feeling it's going to be the longest 30 days of my life. I am dreading the move ( this is move number 3 in 4 years ) Normally I would have had everything packed by now and ready to go, but I am dragging my heels this time around.

I think I should just twitch my nose all Bewitched style and have everything done. Or beg for help on the internet.

Are you handy with painting ? How about arrange furniture ? Do you enjoy lifting box after box and sorting everything out ? How do you feel about donuts for breakfast and pizza for lunch chased with some Tylenol and a beer ? Yes ?

[ all done ]

Gavin started his "big boy" school today.

School. The real deal.

Okay, maybe not 100% real. He only goes for 2.5 hours in the afternoon and it's more like a playgroup, but it's inside the big boy school, and he had to bring a little backpack in with him, and he tried to escape out the front door when he realized that we were going through the double doors and into the long hallway, and, and, and.....

And he cried for most of the afternoon.

And he didn't want to eat snack.

And he didn't want to help clean up.

And he was still crying when I picked him up.

I asked him if he had a good time and he said " yets".

I asked him if he wanted to come back tomorrow and he said "yets"

I asked him who he played with and he said "boys".

I asked him if he was ready to go home and he said "all done."

I buckled him into his car seat and he fell asleep before we were 1/4 of a mile down the road.

All done.

[ just think ]

I love the beach. I love the smell, I love the sound, I love the feel of sand between my toes and under my flip flops, I love the way Gavin squeals when he realizes where we are going and I love the immediate way I feel so carefree when I step foot towards the ocean.

Things have been, shall I say a little bit stressful lately. One thing turns into two, and then a phone call turns into three, and then four and five pile on and before you know it I am freaking out about getting hemorrhoids again.

I said the dirty "h" word.

I did.

What does one do when they feel stressed ?

They go to the beach. They dig their toes into the cool, wet sand. They watch their kids throw sand at each other. They watch thunderclouds roll in across the sky and hope the extra 10 minutes at the beach is worth running in flip flops back to the truck when the lightening starts. They take a deep breath in and out, in and out and the think about the cold glass of wine they plan on having once the kids are in bed.

They just think.

[ lay it on me ]

Gavin's minor medical emergency interrupted what would have been a post earlier in the week. The drama has ( dare I say it ? ) finally calmed down, and lacerations are healing and bruises are turning a horrible mottled brown color. In the meantime I have ducted taped Gavin to the couch so that no other unforeseen injury is immediate.

This is a kitchen. You guess that much right ? An unfinished kitchen in a house that we want to buy. Yes, I said BUY. Yes, the house is in Delaware. Please don't be too shocked.

Ryan and I have been house hunting for a few weeks. This house was the first one we looked at, and the same one we keep coming back to. We both love it. It has ( or will have ) everything we want, everything we like, and it's the perfect size for us.
We have done our research as far as mortgage loans, rates, home values, schools, surrounding neighborhoods, even checked and double checked the online sex offender registry. We know how much we are willing to pay for the house and we know if the builder doesn't agree we might just have to walk away.
We have been asking family and friends for advice, random thoughts, experience both GOOD and BAD, anything that maybe is helpful (or not) during a home purchase. We aren't nervous about the financial aspect, more the huge and immediate responsibility of owning a home.

( ...and to be honest the sitting down and making an offer part scares me senseless....)

I am looking for more advice, helpful hints, do's and don'ts, what I would have done's and what I wish I didn't do's....

Lay it on me people.

frankengavin

Ryan and Kegan want to call him Scarface, but I like FrankenGavin much better.

[ not so much ]

We were playing the game mommy eat Gavin - you know the kind, lots of tickling, pretend eating of extremely ticklish body parts, squealing, laughing, yelling for "more momma, more !"

Then he got up and ran into the dining room.

All we heard was the loud and ominous thud, that second of silence and then the screaming.

He was crumpled on the floor and when Ryan lifted him up there was blood, so much fucking blood, all over his forehead and down his face and all over Ryan's hand.

I made my first call to 911. I wasn't hysterical, but I wasn't exactly calm.

Ryan was applying pressure to the wound, and he made me stay away. I know if he doesn't want me to see it then it's bad. 

I don't know how many times I explained about his cyst, and his balance and the fear of severe head trauma rupturing the cyst. So many times I could probably recite it in my sleep.

They loaded Gavin and Ryan into the ambulance and Kegan and I followed.

More explanations to the ER doctor and attending nurses, phone call to the Children's Hospital on-call neurologist. Talks about a CAT scan. Shining lights in eyes and ears, poking prodding and finally the word stitches blurted out. 

4 stitches in his forehead. He looks strangely like Frankenstein, only sweeter and cuter.

Strict instructions to get him into the neurosurgeon as soon as possible, information on how to care for his laceration (such an ugly word) and we were allowed to go home.

On the way home I purchased an industrial size pallet of bubble wrap. Then we stopped at the skateboard store and I bought Gavin the coolest crash helmet, and I am looking at that patent to make the very first personal bubble, size 2T please ?

Frankengavin came home, had something to eat, tried to dance to SpongeBob Squarepants, insisted that the cat sit with him on the couch, despite the cat's wishes, and then yelled at bedtime. Safe to assume he was feeling just fine.

Mom - not so much. Daddy - not so much. Big brother - not so much.

[ friend or foe ? ]

There they are. Gavin's crazy legs. His super power legs. 

Did you know they make him run faster, jump higher and walk better? 

They do.

Of course they also made me cringe a little when the doctor pulled them out of the bag. They also made me shake a little when we first put them on his bruised and little legs. They also made me want to punch a hole in the wall, when he first took his unsteady steps, much like a brand new foal trying to get up off the ground for the first time.

I keep trying to remind myself that they are going to help.

The AFO's (Ankle Foot Orthotics ) along with the SMO's ( Supra-Malleolar Orthosis) are going to correct his flat feet, which in turn will correct the weight on his ankles, which will decrease his urge to claw his toes to regain his balance, which will in turn stop him from dragging his feet and walking on his tip toes.

Did you follow all that ?

The SMO's aren't in yet. They have to be custom fit to his feet, once they arrive they will slide into his shoe and surround his feet and ankles and should just rest above the top of his shoe. Gavin picked out a sports theme that will be printed directly on his SMO's. I was inclined to get plain white and plaster then with Boston Red Sox stickers, but Gavin wanted soccer balls, basketballs and footballs. 

The boy gets what he wants.

We are slowly breaking him into a wearing schedule, eventually they will be worn continuously throughout the day, except for bathing and sleeping. 

The length he ends up wearing them will depend on how well he responds to the treatment, he will continue to receive physical therapy services, and we hope that AFO's in combination with the therapy will work in his favor. 

I cannot wait for the day that we can watch Gavin walk confidently, with a spring in his step, and without that constant fear of his falling, tripping, and the ever present off balance issues.

In the meantime, I plan on sewing him a kick ass super-power cape to match his kick ass super-power legs.

[ me, me, ME ! ]

Have you ever done something really wild and crazy and totally out of character ?

Not talking about anything dangerous or against the law.

Something that totally is unlike you, something you would never do, something that no-one would ever expect you would possibly do. Something that you might never do again, and maybe even something that you are still shocked that you did ?

Tell me your stories !

I am thinking of doing something really whacked out. Something that makes me giggle just thinking about it, something that also sends shivers of fear down my spine. Fear of embarrassment, fear of attention, fear of results, fear of speculation and pointing.

Me, who never does anything exciting, anything to call attention to myself, anything that might scream "ME, ME, ME" some might argue that I really need to loosen up and live a little.

I know this posting is useless without telling you the "what" part of what I am actually thinking of doing. Just bear with me here. Indulge me, tell me some of the crazy things you have done that you might look back on and shake your head on.

Thanks Hershey Park !

Apple + peanut m&m's + chocolate milk + carrots + hamburger + bbq chips + juice + cotton candy + popcorn + lemonade + half a dozen Hershey kisses + pizza + an assortment of Hershey's miniature bars = Chocolate puke at 0330 all over the hotel room.

Vacation.

Vacations stress me out. The packing, the driving, the hotel room, the people, the people, the people, the people. I usually need a few days to recover from everything, and this time is no exception.

There was some fun to be had. Kegan rode his first roller coaster and screamed bloody murder. Gavin fed some ducks and ate a bunch of crap. Ryan and I saw Dave Matthews Band for the 6th time and got caught in a violent thunderstorm trying to secure a concert poster. We drove through Amish Country. We walked miles around around in circles, and we cleaned large quantities of chocolate vomit off stark white hotel sheets. We all stumbled home sweaty and sleep deprived.

The fun part was that I don't think I even had any chocolate while I was there. I think I might be cured for awhile. Thanks Hershey Park !

[ hernia - schmernia ]

I needed to come up with something fun and fresh for Kegan's side of the room. I got the idea to incorporate two of his favorite things : Lego's and Star Wars.

The series of photographs that I took, I think I will have enlarged to 20" by 20" a nice big square and set them up in a block style. He has a big blank wall on his side of the room that I think would be perfect for this.

I could have sworn that we had a Darth Vadar in our possession, but alas I cannot find him if we do. I am also thinking about forking over some cash to acquire Princess Leia and Chewbacca.

The days of summer are slowly passing by. Kegan is anxious to get back into school, Gavin will also be starting a program in the fall through the school district. I am trying to prepare myself for that. I know he is really, but mom ? Not so much.

I also failed to mention that I finally gave Ryan a hernia. After 10 long years of marriage, his body finally broke down. Now when I say:

 " don't give yourself a hernia !" 

There will be some truth to the statement. He goes for surgery next week and will be off work for a minimum of two weeks. In preparation I have made him re-arrange ALL the furniture in the house.

He loves me, I know he does.

[ my heart hurts a little ]

Her name is Dakota and she was with us for 125 days.

She has been home with her Mom and Dad for a week now. Our house has been empty since she left, we aren't quite sure what to do with ourselves.

We are sad that she is no longer here, but that sadness is also filled with huge amounts of happiness. Megan and Sean came together and straightened themselves out. They both completed their state mandated parenting classes, they both are clean and sober, they both have a place to work, and they finally have a roof over their heads. Their very first place they have been able to call their own.

More importantly they both love their daughter and wanted what was best for her, and they did everything they needed to do to make that possible.

Ryan and I are proud of them. For not turning their back on Dakota. For picking themselves up, dusting one another off and persevering. It can be done and they are proof.

We agreed to let them take Dakota back on a trial basis. We still have temporary custody and we will continue to do so until February 25th 2010. They know this is a test and we are watching them closely, but we are also supporting them, helping them and cheering them on. We want them to succeed. We want them to be a family.

Unfortunately not everyone agrees with our decision.

Even though we stressed how important it was for her to be with her mom and dad during this crucial stage in her development, how important it was that she start to form a bond with her mom and dad, form a stable relationship with them, we still have someone who disagrees with us.

That has been a hard pill to swallow.

Everything we have done for Dakota has been in her best interest, why would this be any different ? If we at all felt that she was in danger, or being neglected you can bet we would not have agreed to let her go home. 

Still, that's not good enough. 

It's a strange feeling to have someone judge your decision and deem it unacceptable. 

It does not make me regret our decision, or second guess our decision, but it makes me sad that we cannot see eye to eye. Sad that someone would put their selfish needs above the needs of a little 7 month old baby girl, who needs to know who her family is. 

Our house is quiet. Sometimes I forget that she is back home with her Mom and her Dad, and I think I need to go and check on her while she is sleeping, I think about her chubby legs kicking back and forth and her arms reaching out to me when I lift her out of her crib. I think about her face lighting up when any of us walked in the room, and I think about how she grew and changed the 125 days she was with us. 

My heart hurts a little.

That hurt goes away when I imagine the feeling that Megan and Sean have when they hold their baby girl, Dakota in their arms again.

[ i wish ]

What a humbling experience it is to spend all day roaming the hallways of a Children's Hospital.

So many families, so many children.

Children who cannot walk on their own, so their father's carry them without a second thought. Children who have lost their hair to cancer, but are still able to give you the biggest grin and are happy to be walking around. Children who cannot see, but still interact with the world around them. Babies who are wheeled away on stretchers as their mom's and dad's hold hands and hope for the best. Children who are attached to machine's that do all the work that their own body cannot.

Humbling.

It puts everything in perspective. 

I was stressed all day before Gavin's procedure. Major stress. Eye twitching, can't eat, breaking out in hives, chronic headache kind of stress. I was so focused on "me, me, me" that I didn't stop and think how easy I really have it. My son is healthy. HE IS HEALTHY. Yes, he has a small cyst on his brain, yes he has some delays with speech and walking. HE IS HEALTHY. How many parents at the Children's Hospital yesterday could not say the same thing ?

These children are so brave, each and everyone of them.

I feel so many things when I am around kids that have the strength to endure such pain, so many things that I will never be able to put into words. Their courage and their drive and determination astound me. They make the minor things in life pale in comparison.

Like Gavin's MRI. 

He is fine. The cyst has not changed in size, shape or location. It's still hanging out right where it was 6 months ago. The neurosurgeon gave us the thumbs up. It's one of the smaller one's he sees on a daily basis and he sees no reason to continue with the MRI's. Of course we still have to watch for headaches, or blurred vision, dizziness, things that would indicate there might be a problem. Doctor also recommended that Gavin might not partake in full contact sports, due to a greater risk of head injuries. I have no complaints.

The sedation yesterday was quite difficult. Gavin fought going to sleep and it took Ryan and I, plus a nurse and the MRI tech to hold him down. As soon as his scan was done and the nurse was wheeling him into recovery he woke up and was hysterical. Screaming and thrashing, disorientated and dizzy. Again, it took a nurse and Ryan and I to hold him tight and keep him close until he reluctantly fell back asleep. Complete opposite from the first scan.

It's done. It's over. I am happy.

I wish all the mom's and dad's could say the same.

i stick my tongue out at you !

June was a big, wet, soggy, pathetic mess.

I am of course talking about the weather. The rain, the thunder, the torrential downpours. The chilly air and the rain, the rain, the rain.

June was also another physical therapy evaluation. One that finally got to the root of the problem, one that said "your little boy has problems walking, problems with balance, and problems with falling." Things that we knew. Things that we worried about. Things that other people finally saw. So now we make room for physical therapy, along with speech therapy, along with special braces and special footwear, and more attention. June also brings another MRI, which I am wholly unprepared for.

June also had a special visit from my Dad and my Grandma, who's life advice you were all privy to. The relationship between my Dad and I is something that maybe someday I will talk about here. It's a good relationship, open and simple, honest and straightforward. Our relationship is something I keep close to my heart, for the simple fact that it still is so new. Not new in the sense that we just met, more that we are just getting to learn who each other is, and how we are so much alike.

My Dad leaving to return home was very hard on me. I clung to him and sobbed loud, ugly, embarrassing tears. I love him so much and no matter how I tell him (or not tell him) I always feel like he just doesn't quite know, how much. 

I love you Dad.

Thankfully in 5 days this month of June, this month of soggy, gloomy days will be done. This month of June that failed to meet my expectations in so many ways will be another month flipped over on the calendar. 

I stick my tongue out at you June !

[a glimpse]

Little attempt at catching Gavin talking on video. Not his best performance. You do get to hear my annoying voice and you get a glimpse of Gavin picking his nose.

Hold off on popping the popcorn.

[ direct quote ]

Yesterday my 84 year old grandmother told me the secret to staying young is sex. According to her, and this is a direct quote:

" Have sex as much as possible. It keeps you young and it's fun. I miss sex. "

[ i hear you ]

I haven't wanted to share yet. 

I wanted to keep this new thing close to me, I wanted to revel in the wonderfulness of it. The sweetness of it, the newness of it. I wanted to keep it mine forever.

My sweet silent boy has spoken.

His voice is so tender and kind. 

His mouth opens and he says a word so simple as "help" and my heart leaps with joy. 

Thirty months old and he finally speaks.

His words are hesitant and not always clear, but he speaks ! He speaks ! He speaks !

I want to catch his little voice in my hand and wrap my palm around the sound and keep it somewhere safe, so that I can listen to my hearts content. 

I hear mom, dad, eyes, ears, nose, mine, this, that, help, up, gee, no, yes, ball, cheese, please, blue, bike, more, I hear them, each new word more beautiful than the last.

I hear you, and I am so very happy.

[ tweet ? ]

I scare myself sometimes.

I found out that Dave Matthews is on twitter. I joined just for that fact alone. Does that make me a stalker ? A semi-stalker ? Potential stalker ?

I have no idea what I am doing. Tweet ? Twit ? Twat ?

Do you tweet ?

[stuckindelaware]

[ June ]

Did anyone else double check the calendar when they realized that tomorrow is June 1st ?

June is like a big content sigh. 

June is promotions, birthday's, visits from family not seen in a long time. June is about cook-outs, big slices of cake, running in sprinklers and watching the popsicle juice drip down your arm. 

June is not caring that sand is on the floor of the truck, staying up late and sleeping in. June is sitting outside first thing in the morning and drinking your coffee before everyone else is awake. 

June is about running in the grass with bare feet, giggling, letting your hair grow long, and getting sun-glass face tan lines. 

June is about drinking a cold beer, smelling the warm rain, and wearing nothing but flip-flops.

June is about telling Dad how much you love him, watching the plants grow and throwing the ball for the dog. June is writing with chalk and the smell of hot pavement. 

June is wild honeysuckle on an over-grown walking path. June is riding bikes until your legs start to ache. June is fresh strawberries and a slice of rhubarb pie.

The groan of the lawn mower. 

The greasiness of the sunscreen. 

The dirty feet.

The afternoon naps.

The tank tops.

The late afternoon sun hitting your book.

The music.

The freedom of not doing anything at all.

The open windows.

The drinking from the hose.

The quietness from being content.

The slap of the screen door behind you.

I have needed you June. I am so glad that you are finally here.

[ a new start ]

This is usually the time that I remind myself why I prefer not to make friends, or get too close to other families. Why it's so much easier to keep people at an arm's length away.

Pretty soon they have to move, and with the moving comes the good-byes.

Dave, Danelle and their five kids have orders to New Mexico. If I lean far enough back in my computer chair I can see the moving van parked in front of their house, people inside boxing up everything they own, taking inventory so tomorrow they can load it all into the truck and drive it away.

I am sad because I will miss them. 

I will miss seeing Hudson walk by my window wearing his hat, glasses and gloves with his binoculars around his neck and his wallet and cell phone bulging from his pockets. I will miss Haddie and her crooked little pig-tails. I will miss Hayden's sweet little disposition and willingness to always help. I will miss Frank and all his "frankness"and I will miss Brayden the most for being my son's best friend in the whole world.

I am also excited for them.

A brand new adventure. A brand new start. New things to discover and places to go and things to see. I am excited that they will band together as a family and get through these changes together. I am excited for the kids to start a new school and meet new friends, I am excited that even though far away we still get to be a part of it.

I enjoyed the time that our families spent together, at the park, the beach, the insane place with the bouncy castles, the flea market, walking around together at Halloween, the pool and just being in the backyard hanging out. 

Dramastically drunk Dave and Delicious Danelle made the last 3 years here in Delaware, bearable. They made things fun and exciting, they were friends.

I hope that they are able to find as good friends in New Mexico, and I hope they always know that our door is open to them and their kids, no matter where or when.

We will miss you guys.

(...and I better not find that damn bunny on my patio Saturday morning....)

[horse pills]

Yesterday was my breaking point. After I woke up and dragged myself to the shower and then didn't have enough energy to get dressed, that's when I knew it was time to head to the doctor.

I called Ryan practically in tears and he came home and drove me to the walk in clinic. I waited over and hour just to be seen, most of which I was bent over in the chair clutching my face which was in pain and periodically blowing my nose which was overflowing with mucus and snotty goodness.

Of course I was gently chastised by the doctor for waiting so long to come in and be seen. I had a fever and severe sinus infection, there was also some irritation in my ears. When Ryan heard he also shook his head, brought me home, set me up on the couch with my book, the tissues and a large strawberry limeade.

He took the day off without me even asking and let me lay around all day and just be sick. No taking care of the house, no tending to the kids, I just laid around and hacked my lungs out, snorted my nose red and raw and he even listened when I moaned and groaned about how much my face hurt.

Today I am left with some massive horse pills, some nasal decongestant and I am looking around at the laundry that multiplied in the hours that I was sleeping, the kids that are climbing up my legs going crazy because I was inaccessible for less than 24 hours. The house that needs to be vacuumed, the sheets that need to be changed, a to-do-list that is miles and miles long, but IT'S ALL OKAY because now I can breathe, I can smell, I can taste and I can almost hear...

...and I don't have the swine flu.

rolling over !

[don't screech at me]

It was the best possible weekend and the worst possible weekend at the same time.

That needs an explanation, I know.

It was the worst weekend only due to the fact that Thursday I came down with a head cold, that turned vicious by Saturday. I haven't been this sick in a long time. All I wanted to do was take my swollen eyes and congested nose to bed and sleep for hours upon hours. That was not a possibility. Even medicine (which I rarely agree to take) did not begin to even touch this head cold. I briefly considered if I had contracted the swine flu, it was that bad.

I pressed on, amid coughing fits, three boxes of tissues and at times being totally "out of it". Did I mention my ears ? I have blown my nose so many times that the pressure in my ears is off and they are blocked and I cannot hear a thing. Always a great thing when your family has to screech at you just to hear what they are saying. 

It was also the best weekend. I know you are all dying to hear how to could have possibly been good, let alone the best. I too was skeptical.

Everything that happened this weekend far surpassed anything I could have even hoped for. Megan was clean, she was healthy, she was happy and talkative and most importantly she was completely attentive to baby girl*.

What ?

I am not kidding. Megan took care of baby girl* the entire time she was here. She did everything from the moment that Ryan picked her up at the airport. Baby girl* cried and Megan scooped her up and cuddled her, she did all the feedings, all the diaper changes, Megan played with her and loved on her and was involved with her.

Of course not everything was perfect. The three of us talked on Saturday night about baby girls* arrangement and Megan admitted that she did not have the capability to take care of her right now, but she is working on it. I was proud of her for being able to tell the truth no matter how hard it might be, for how hard she is working to make her life right and for her desire to be close to her daughter.

I want to believe that I am not being naive. I want to believe that Megan is doing all this because she wants to have the best possible life for her and baby girl*. I want to believe that in a few months time we can kiss and hug baby girl* and place her into the arms of her mother who will love her and care for her the way she should. Am I being naive ?

I don't know. I hope not. 

So it was a very good weekend amid the sickness. We went to the beach, we grilled thick juicy steaks, we sat outside and watched the kids play, we talked, we laughed and we enjoyed being together. I loved watching baby girl* and her mom together, I will tell you that baby girl* knew who she was, and did not freak out like she normally does around someone she does not know. I thought that was pretty darn cool.

Slowly but surely I am on the mend. I ran out of tissues and wiping your nose with toilet paper stinks, so I have no choice but to get better. Pounding the orange juice and the sleep and taking as many deep breathes as possible, one at a time....

[i think i might need one]

Hot diggity dog, I have been slacking.

Spring is right around the corner, I can almost clutch it in my palm. One day it will be breezy and beautiful, birds chirping and flowers blooming, and then smack it's cold and rainy again. It's enough to make a person a tad crazy.

Spring always makes me think about new beginnings. We have some of those going on here. Megan, baby girl*'s mom is coming for a visit this weekend. In fact she gets here tonight. She is very excited. Very, is an understatement it's all she has been talking about. She wants to see baby girl* and hold her and be with her. It warms my heart and sends shivers of terror at the same time. Almost like a convulsion.

Megan is doing much better than Ryan and I ever thought possible. She has had a job for almost three months now, she was approved for an income based apartment, she paid off fines and bench warrants, she is attending her parenting classes, she is staying clean.

She is choosing life. She is choosing her daughter.

I knew she could do it if she wanted to. I had hoped that she was capable of making good decisions, now I am believing in her to keep her nose clean, keep her life good. Keep her daughter first and foremost.

Then the terror part of the equation kicks in, and my mind goes to the place when not too long ago, Megan didn't care that baby girl* was hungry, she didn't care if she was wet and dirty, didn't care where she was or who was taking care of her.

Does she know the error of her ways ? Does she realize how she endangered her own child ? Does she understand ? Or is she so set on getting back what is her's that she will do whatever is needed to be done and then revert back to her old self ?

It's a lot for me to think about, and sometimes I feel like my mind just goes in constant circles. I am unable to form any type of intelligible conversation with anyone, because my head is so clogged with these questions and scenarios.

I am by no means a psychologist, but I am starting to think I might need one.

[just be]

It has come to my attention that we might have an eight year old perfectionist on our hands.

Yesterday was report card day. Kegan was hoping for all A's. 

In fact he was sure that his report card would have straight A's, until we opened it together and there it was, that one lonely B.

I skimmed over the report card really quick and I could feel him deflate next to me. I looked over and his beautiful eyes were wide with tears, they caught in his eyelashes for a minute and then they ran down his face. 

I pulled him close to me and I kissed the top of his head, which freaks me out a little since he has gotten so tall - but that's another post for another time. I kissed him over and over again and I raised his face up to mine so I could look him in the eyes.

I explained to him that I was very pleased with his grades, that I was very proud of his effort and I couldn't ask for a better report card. I tried to explain to him the difference about being happy with yourself and not worrying about other people being happy with you. 

I handed him a tissue and watched as he wiped away his tears, he won't let me baby him anymore. How I wanted to scoop him up and hold him close to my heart like I did when he was little, which seems like not very long ago. 

Instead we sat together and I thought about my own struggles with perfectionism. How I have this need to have everything in my life be right and just so. The way I start something and I give up so quickly if it doesn't meet my impractical standards. The way I struggle with my self worth if I cannot do something right the first time, or my refusal to even try something if I know I won't get it right.

This is what I have taught my son ? Have I taught him that it isn't worth doing something if you can't get it perfect the very first time ? 

Crud.

By the time I turned around to talk about this with Kegan, he had already moved on, he was laughing at something Gavin was doing and his tears had all dried up. The moment was already forgotten. I took a deep breath, kissed him on the head again and got up to start making dinner. I had not forgotten though and the thoughts were swirling around my head for the rest of the night.

How do I teach my son to just be ?

I want him to just be happy with himself no matter what he does. I want him to just be happy with who he is, not who we thinks he needs to be. I want him to just be happy with whatever happens in life, not the things that didn't work out the way he thought they should.

How can I teach him this, if I cannot follow the same principle ?

If I can't just be me ?

six weeks

It's been 6 weeks since baby girl* entered our life.

It feels like it's been longer. I had to sit down with the calendar and actually count back.

She had her 4 month well baby check up last week. She packed on a healthy 2 pounds and grew an entire inch. All that extra love we have been pouring into her ?

She is hitting all her developmental milestones as of right now. She is attentive and alert, she is reaching out to touch things, her neck and trunk control is great, and she is trying hard to roll over. She smiles big gummy grins, and she coo's up a storm.

I don't think I shared some of the things that she went through in the beginning. Things that no baby should EVER be subjected to. She was fed sugar water and coffee. She was given lollipops to suck on.

She was dirty and unkempt. She was so weak from hunger that she could barely cry and last but not least she was exposed to marijuana and who knows what else. It took weeks for her digestive system to start working correctly and even longer for her to learn how to eat and relax while doing so.

Each time I think of her crying in pain because she was hungry I want to hurt someone. Each time I think of her crying because she wanted to be picked up and soothed, picked up and loved, I want to hurt someone. Each time I think of her sitting in a smoke filled room being ignored I want to hurt someone.

One guess who that person is.

The same one who thinks she should get baby girl* back in a few months. I believe in second chances, and I believe that people can change if given the chance, but at what cost ?